Enrique and "The Butter"

Sunday, July 30, 2006:

"Uh, Don't Quit Your Day Job!!"
In order for you to understand this title, let me backtrack. I won a contest through the Onion where you get to be the non-celebrity, celebrity bartender of the week at a local bar. My picture was actually in the weekly edition of the Onion. I also had to send in 3 reasons why I should be picked as the winner, so I will enlighten you with what was in the paper:
"The ONION presents: Heather Janes, Non-Celebrity Bartender Of The Week
Heather is not so famous for:* Wearing her bathrobe out to the grocery store...it's a bathrobe people!* Creating interpretive dances that have no meaning* Her collection of mini mustard bottles"

Yeah....don't even ask on the reasons I sent in. Sometimes, I'm a bit nutty.

You spend 2 hours bartending, and your friends get to basically drink free for 2 hours while they watch you slave behind the bar. And yes, I said "slave" behind the bar.
At first, it was fun. There were only a few friends there at the start, and it was hilarious as I tried to make drinks for people...I literally was thrown behind the bar and told I could make whatever I wanted for my friends. Mind you, the only things I know how to make/serve is beer and anything that has 2 ingreidents or less. Soda + a liqour is about as complex as I get. So of course, more and more people started showing up...and this meant Heath serving more and more drinks...I had my friends 3 or 4 deep waiting in line, and of course, trying to throw me off by ordering such exotic drinks as "7 and 7." Okay, so I'm sorry, I don't know what goes in a 7 & 7, okay people?? I typically drink beer! And then I couldn't pour a beer from the tap to save my life, so some wacko at the bar started giving me tips and than asked if I was as a go-go dancer. Where that came from, we will never know!First of all, I had no idea where all of the liqour bottles are, and then I had to have half of my friends explain what actually went into the drinks they were asking for.
And to top it off, I decided to dress the part of a bartender and wear this much too short skirt. This, of course, brought on all kind of attention, 99.9% of it was unwanted, but yeah....I digress. Back to bartending. The nice part was when I wasn't serving my friends, I could take a drink and not have to be behind the bar the entire time. This would have worked out great if there hadn't been 30 people there asking me for drinks, many of whom I didn't even know! I swear. You tell people free drinks for 2 hours, and they come out in masses....

Heather // 3:18 PM
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